This is a really good beer problem information sheet

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal clear.
PROBLEM: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
PROBLEM: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
PROBLEM: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
PROBLEM: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
PROBLEM: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
PROBLEM: You have fallen over backwards.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
PROBLEM: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
PROBLEM: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
PROBLEM: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
PROBLEM: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
PROBLEM: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, call taxi.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
PROBLEM: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
PROBLEM: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
PROBLEM: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
PROBLEM: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar

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